My heart is so full from the sweet comments and emails I've gotten during this shitty rotten week. The last 18 months have mostly been spent either being angry or getting over being angry, and I was really surpised by the sadness that overtook me this week. I owe so many of you a big thank you.
As I'm sure anyone who reads here has figured out, Liam's father and I are splitting up. That sounds so dramatic, but it's not. It's been quiet and sad and inevitable, and we're just trying to do things the right way so that Liam feels safe and protected.
It has been a sorry journey to get here, and honestly this would have happened a long time ago if I hadn't been so afraid; of being a single parent, of supporting Liam on my own, of growing old alone. But the truth of the matter is that for quite a while I've been a single parent in most of the important ways. S has spent very little time at home for the past year or so, and the chaos that his frequent absences created (and my anger and resentment over them) have made this a very unhappy home for me and for Liam for a long time now.
Just before S had his little come-undone, he stopped going to work and I became the sole support of all of us. I was freaking a little bit, but I figured I could swing it for awhile without killing myself, and that pretty soon S would find a new job and everything would go back to what passed for normal around here.
I was wrong.
I found that I was unwilling to get up every day at 5:30 and get Liam off to school, work from 7:00 to 4:00 or so, do all of the laundry and cleaning and shopping and most of the cooking, not to mention taking care of Liam, so that S could sleep late, play on the computer or the Playstation, watch TV, eat like a field hand and leave any night he took a notion and stay gone all night, all the while neither working nor looking for work.
I tried to be patient (not one of my virtues, I'm afraid). He's Liam's father and I want him healthy. But this went on for weeks, and when I spent most of Mother's Day consoling my crying child because "Daddy forgot we exist" and "Daddy doesn't even care that I'm waiting for him," that was it. I was done.
The amount of pain I've felt over the breakup of my little dysfunctional family has been an unwelcome surprise. Even though S and I were never a big love match like some lucky couples, there was a time when we cared enough about each other to make this wondrous, beautiful child, and that feeling had been all lost in the constant angry storm of the past 18 months. I guess the pain was good in a strange way, because maybe now I'll come out of the ashes stronger.
We owe our boy better than he's been getting for a long time, and we both hope that with this step, we can be the parents he deserves and needs.
Terrilynn, somehow I missed the post you referenced (undone) and I didn't know about the breakup. I am sorry. My daughter went through something where her husband was absent (not physically, but every other way) and he was not a good father for their children. I hope that Liam's dad will get the help he needs and get to a point where he can be a good dad. And I hope you will be okay.
Posted by: kenju | May 21, 2006 at 06:31 PM
I regret that I have no words of advice, but I can offer many warm cyber-hugs and wishes for things to feel good and right for you soon.
Posted by: Karen | May 21, 2006 at 07:29 PM
we're here ....
Posted by: Tracy | May 21, 2006 at 08:58 PM
Terrilynn, I am so sorry about what you are going through. I know I can't say anything to help but I can say that you are a warm wonderful mother and person....at least that is what comes through in your blog. Your little boy is going to be okay because he has so much love and support.
I wish good things for you. Really, really good things for you and your son. You will be okay, you seem very strong. And I hope one day your true love shows up at your door!
Posted by: Deana | May 21, 2006 at 11:01 PM
Terrilynn - I'm really sorry to hear about your separation. It does sound like it will be for the best in the long run, but the short run may be a bit of a bitch. Good luck with all of it. I've gone thru a divorce, too, and it's not fun, but it was so much better for all of us in the end that I don't have a single regret.
Posted by: julia | May 23, 2006 at 01:21 PM
As one who did end a first marriage, I can only say it was the best thing I could have done and what came after the trial of my life was the reward of it, my true husband, Joe.
Thinking of you and your son.
Posted by: colleen | May 23, 2006 at 03:17 PM
TL - we've talked behind the scenes, so you know already how I feel. But I have to go on the record here to give you major props for handling this with so much grace and dignity while staying true to your own needs and desires.
It's not an easy feat to pull off; the fact that you can be so scarily articulate about it while right in the middle of all the drama speaks eloquently to your inner strength and strong sense of self, along with your desire to do right by your child.
You're already headed to a better place. I promise.
Posted by: Betsy | May 25, 2006 at 10:50 PM
T-L, my friend -
I'm so sorry you have to go through this. I've been thinking a lot about you for some reason lately and just decided to check your blog tonight...I'm here if you need me.
Here's a kiss for you and your sweet boy...
Gigi
Posted by: Gigi | May 26, 2006 at 11:17 PM
Of course from your posts we saw this coming, but I'm so sorry that I took a hiatus from the blogging world and haven't been around to give you my support. I hope things get easier from here for you and for Liam.
Posted by: Lora | June 02, 2006 at 07:50 PM
I'm sorry, even if it has been a long time coming. I hope you all come out on the other side much happier and more ready to enjoy life.
Posted by: Jody | June 08, 2006 at 12:17 PM