She's Come Undone

The storm has been gathering for months, it seems; months of biting my tongue and holding my temper, of shrugging it off and rolling with the punches, of holding up the side and putting on a facade.  Anger seemed an unaffordable luxury on par with cashmere or Cristal, the cost of expression much too high for the surely fleeting satisfaction.  So I've smiled through gritted teeth, laughed through the pain, become a master at the dark art of bitter humor.

I'm done.

More accurately, I've come undone.  Whatever force has enabled me to do all these things has deserted me, leaving me alone in the desert with an empty canteen.  Sleep comes in two-hour blocks when it comes at all-3:00 this morning found me behind the closed door of my office with Wrecking Ball on repeat over my headphones, writing in my journal with the tears falling faster than my fingers were flying. 

Usually the scalding heat of long-suppressed tears is cathartic, acting as a sort of palate-cleanser, a sorbet for the soul.  Not this time.  This time it simply left me exhausted, eyes red and swollen from too little sleep and too many tears still unshed.  I've long prided myself on my flexibility, the ability to take whatever comes my way and simply deal with it, but months of pretense and suppression have taken that from me, too, leaving me with no reserves on which to draw.

I know I'll get through this.  That's what I do; I get through it and I carry on.  But the cost gets higher and the healing takes longer every time, and righteous anger is looking like quite a bargain about now.

In my hour of darkness
In my time of need
Oh, Lord grant me vision
Oh, Lord grant me speed

Comments

[Lisa V]

Oh, Terrilyn, I'm sorry. I am thinking of you.

[julia]

I don't know what happened, but I'm sorry to hear of your anguish. It's a sucky feeling, one I know all too well. I hope you can get it resolved satisfactorily, and soon, so you don't have to keep feeling like this.

[rosemoon]

Hi Terrilynn---I'm keeping you in my thoughts.

[paigeb]

I'm here. Call me.

[julia]

I know you can.

[kenju]

Terrilynn, I am so sorry you are in pain. It will pass; hang in there.

[InterstellarLass]

You can do it. We women just have that ability.

[Betsy]

Yep, I remember that storm.
What got me through it was leaning on people - friends and (at the time) almost total strangers.

I highly recommend that approach; I hereby volunteer for service.

[emily]

Thinking about you,Terri.

[Helene]

Ditto all of the above. That you write about with such clarity is a good sign. Hang in there. I'm thinking about you

[Moonlight]

"I know I'll get through this. That's what I do; I get through it and I carry on."

It's good you feel you can persevere, and it's good to have people who support you in doing so. But from what I've been reading here lately you're not talking about persevering, you're talking about slowly slipping into an abyss.

You are clearly a smart person, so perhaps it's time to try something else. To think outside the box of your own existence and life experience. To stop over-thinking and over-analyzing and to get back to basics.

A few things to consider:

1) How much time are you spending writing in your journals and on your blog? What are you getting out of those minutes or hours each day? If your self-expression is an escape for you, is it an effective escape, or is it a trap in itself? If it's therapeutic what benefits are you deriving from this therapy?

2) Do you trust yourself? Do you trust the people around you? Do you trust where you live? Or do you feel perpetually at risk in some way? If you feel at risk you're going to have a hard time finding comfort and balance in life.

You might also consider whether the role you've adopted for yourself - that of someone who always 'carries on' - doesn't undercut your own ability to make positive changes in your life. Because change of any kind could be an admission that you can't just carry on, which in turn could sabotage the liferaft of invulnerability that you've been clinging to for so long.

And believe me, I've been there.

Good luck.

[OldOldOldLady Of The Hills]

So sorry you are going through these hard hard times....I hope it passes and that things will be better, very soon...if that is possible...

[Jody]

I'm sorry I don't visit more often, so I could have said sooner that I'm sorry, and I hope it will be okay, and I hope you find strength in surprising places. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm always surprised by the small things that can turn around a black mood. It doesn't exempt me from having to figure out the moods, but it does make it easier to imagine the solutions.

[Lora]

((Cyberhugs))

A weeks gone by since you posted this and I sincerely hope that you are feeling a little more whole.

[javajeanelaine]

terrilynn, I am thinking of you, hon.