Nearest Distant Shore

I've Looked at Clouds

Check out this way cool word cloud generated from words found on this site.  Full disclosure:  I took out some words, mostly those that were the names of other people's blogs. 

Go get one for yourself!

(found at Raising WEG) 

Redone

Thoughtful comments and unexpected phone calls, together with Emmylou, better sleep and a return of sunshine (if not warm temperatures) have all helped to fill the well enough to get me over the very rockiest spot.  I am so blessed in my friends, those both visible and invisible.

I don't kid myself that I am out of the woods, but the immediate crisis is phasing out.  The weekend is coming and January is nearly (thank God) over and there are brownies in the oven. This afternoon I get to help my favorite kid glue 50 baby lima beans onto a construction-paper hat to go with the 50 we glued yesterday, then we will dust the whole thing with glitter and he'll wear it tomorrow to the 100th Day of School celebration. 

Every little silly thing I do with Liam and every little blessing I'm able to count, every kindness and every kick in the ass, every laugh shared with someone who loves me and every tear shed alone all move me closer to where I need to be.

She's Come Undone

The storm has been gathering for months, it seems; months of biting my tongue and holding my temper, of shrugging it off and rolling with the punches, of holding up the side and putting on a facade.  Anger seemed an unaffordable luxury on par with cashmere or Cristal, the cost of expression much too high for the surely fleeting satisfaction.  So I've smiled through gritted teeth, laughed through the pain, become a master at the dark art of bitter humor.

I'm done.

More accurately, I've come undone.  Whatever force has enabled me to do all these things has deserted me, leaving me alone in the desert with an empty canteen.  Sleep comes in two-hour blocks when it comes at all-3:00 this morning found me behind the closed door of my office with Wrecking Ball on repeat over my headphones, writing in my journal with the tears falling faster than my fingers were flying. 

Usually the scalding heat of long-suppressed tears is cathartic, acting as a sort of palate-cleanser, a sorbet for the soul.  Not this time.  This time it simply left me exhausted, eyes red and swollen from too little sleep and too many tears still unshed.  I've long prided myself on my flexibility, the ability to take whatever comes my way and simply deal with it, but months of pretense and suppression have taken that from me, too, leaving me with no reserves on which to draw.

I know I'll get through this.  That's what I do; I get through it and I carry on.  But the cost gets higher and the healing takes longer every time, and righteous anger is looking like quite a bargain about now.

In my hour of darkness
In my time of need
Oh, Lord grant me vision
Oh, Lord grant me speed

Photo Friday

This week's photo challenge is pink.

Check out my Friday Photos album for past challenges.

1. Brrrr.  After a week or more of temperatures in the sixties, it's really cold here now.  I actually had to scrape the windshield this morning.   I hate cold weather. 
2. Once Christmas is over, one of the few saving graces of winter is football, and Sunday is the second-most important day of this NFL season.  I could not be more nervous if my own child was quarterbacking.  Go Panthers!
3. Another thing that makes winter bearable is winter food.  Tonight we're having pot roast and creamed potatoes.  I will probably serve a salad or green vegetable of some sort, but I can't swear that I'll eat anything but creamed potatoes (otherwise known as a gravy-delivery system). 
4. Tomorrow I will have the pleasure of going with the first- and second-graders from Liam's school to historic Thalian Hall to see Bossy on Broadway.  This will be Liam's first time going to the theatre, and I can't wait!  I know the playwright and several of the performers, which makes it even more special.
5. Wilmington has a fabulous theatre scene, and even though I was just a dabbler, I loved every second of my involvement and have it in the back of my mind as something I want to pick back up.
6. I was an outstanding stage manager.  I attribute that to my inherent need to boss people around.
7. Since my workload has been so light, I've been watching way more TV than usual.  I've gotten hooked on Judging Amy.  Since its original run conflicted with other shows that I watched, I had only seen the last couple of seasons, but I happened across the very first episode recently, and now DVR two episodes a day every day.  Isn't technology wonderful?
8. I am such a big sap that it makes me cry at least once an episode.
9. Last night when I went grocery shopping, Harris Teeter had strawberries on sale, buy one get one free.  Even though they're Liam's favorite fruit, strawberries are one of those foods that I will normally only buy in season from a local grower.  These were so beautiful, I couldn't resist.
10. Apparently they are as delicious as they are beautiful, because Liam has eaten a whole pound of them since last night.
11. When Liam was a little guy, we ate bagels and strawberries every single morning during strawberry season.  Now we mostly skip the bagels.
12. In Wilmington, Lewis Nursery and Farms is the go-to place for strawberries.  It's a spring tradition for us to go out there, pick up some plants from the nursery and a couple of quarts (or flats!) of strawberries, then eat some of their delicious homemade ice cream.  In good years we do it once a week or so!
13. Since my last post was all griping, I'm trying to restrict my griping today.  Unfortunately, that means that it has taken me a very long time to compose this list.  I'm quite sure that doesn't say anything good about me.

Leanne was the brains behind the Thursday Thirteen. Her little experiment has taken on a life of its on, and she's decided that it's too much for her to maintain, so she's put it up for grabs. This might be the last one, or someone else may pick it up.  But go by and say hello/good-bye to Leanne, and check out her TT blogroll one last time.

Some Days Are Stones

Have you ever had one of those days where, before you even got out of the bed, you knew you shouldn't?  Where you started the day by spilling juice and wondered how you were going to stop yourself from ending it by spilling blood?  Where you stood in your kitchen and honestly debated whether taking a drink at 6:45 a.m. put you in the "hopeless alcoholic" category?  Where everyone on earth seemed determined to jump up and down on your very last nerve while wearing steel-toed stilettos?  Where you found yourself sobbing at your desk like a broken-hearted child because you couldn't think of any reason not to? 

Just wondering.

Photo Friday (Delayed)

These week's photo challenge is success.

Check out my Friday Photos album for past challenges.

The More Things Change

This is Liam's first week back at school and as much as I was looking forward to it,  I have had a terrible time getting back into the groove.  I don't have much work, so no looming deadlines, and apparently in my mind that leaves me free to read, blog-hop and watch TV.  Hopefully the work scheduled for next week will tighten things up around here.

After a lot of discussion with Liam's father and soul-searching on my own, I have decided that I won't be making the big move to New City.  There were a lot of good reasons to go, but this is where I need to be, at least for the foreseeable future.  A part of me is sad at the loss of new opportunities, but the biggest part of me is doing the Snoopy dance that I'll still live near the beach for another summer.  The conversations with S were very useful, and we seem to have reached some sort of detente, which is frankly more than I even hoped for.  I am very hopeful that we can stay focused on our goal, which is to keep our son safe, secure and happy. 

I've managed once again to pretty much piss away the whole morning, so now I have to scramble to actually accomplish something (ANYTHING) in the time left before I go fetch Liam.  I didn't have enough to say to do the Thursday Thirteen this week, but go say hello to Leanne, who started the whole thing and who maintains a TT blogroll, too.

Wild Card Sunday

Panthers 23
Giants 0

We're on our way!

Saturday

I'm eating a piece of Star Wars cake, which is suprisingly tasty for a grocery-store cake, and watching Carolina beat State, a very satisfying outcome to a really terrific basketball game.  The house is quiet, with S and Liam visiting at S's parents' house.  Both of his brothers are here and we'll have a big family dinner tomorrow, time enough for me to see them.

Liam's weekend of birthday festivities started yesterday.  I had told him he could invite five friends to go to a local indoor play area (ball pit, moon bounce, etc.), with the plan being to stay there for a couple of hours and then come back here for cake.  I didn't send invitations, but called each boy's parents and explained the plan, with the offer for the parent to either stay at Jungle Rapids with us and then come back here, or to leave their son with us and meet back at our house, and I made arrangements with Liam's best friend's mother to help transport kids if necessary.  Four out of the five friends have younger siblings, and I included them in the invitation as well, just to make it easier on the mothers.

Out of five boys, four said yes, then one called on Friday night to say they couldn't come.  Liam was bummed; J is one of his preschool pals that he doesn't get to see very often, but he was still looking forward to the party.  We arrived at JR a little early, with Liam buzzing around nearly beside himself with excitement.  We'd told his friends to arrive at 2:30.  By 2:45 no one had arrived and my boy was watching the clock closely, distraught ("I guess my party's cancelled.  No one is going to show up!") and on the verge of tears.  Finally, rather than make him continue to hang out waiting to greet his guests, I sent my dejected little boy on into the play area and stalked the lobby like a mother tiger.  An extremely pissed-off mother tiger.

Tardiness drives me crazy anyway, but why in the world would anyone think it's okay to arrive 20 minutes or more late for a child's birthday party, and then leave after a half-hour?  But that's what happened with his two pals from school.  J's mother was very cavalier, she was "tired and ready to go home," and couldn't be bothered to come to our house for cake.  N's mother had to pick up an older sibling from school, but promised to meet us back at our house.  Even though I wasn't at all convinced she would show up, that meant that we couldn't stay on longer at Jungle Rapids lest we leave them sitting at our house waiting for us, so we left, too.  Liam was pretty upset about having to leave JR so soon-he had only been in the playroom for 45 minutes-and honestly I was pretty irritated by the whole thing, too.

So we came back to our house and fortunately N's mother kept her word.  So we had Liam, his best friend C and C's younger siblings and Liam's friend N and his two siblings,  plus the two other mamas.  After filling up on potato chips and carrots and cheese and Goldfish, the children all ran around outside and played, with the exception of N's little sister, who was asleep the whole time.  She woke miraculously just about the time we got ready to cut the cake.  After Liam opened his gifts N's family left, and C's daddy showed up bearing cold adult beverages, and we got to hang with them for awhile, which is something we always enjoy (K refers to her family as "our friends who won't leave our parties," but we love it when they stay; in fact, their staying after everyone else had left another family party is how we became friends).

The whole thing turned out fine, of course, but it also left a pretty bad taste in my mouth for doing anything involving J's family again.  The last time we invited him to a party his mother called and said, "oh, we'd love to come," and they never showed up, never called, nothing.  MONTHS later she confessed that she had just forgotten, laughing like it was so funny.  I wasn't too amused, but everyone has a senior moment from time to time, so I just shrugged it off.  But this time Liam was already upset when they were so late, then sad that they had to leave so early, and even more so when he learned that they weren't coming over ("but I have Star Wars cake!!").  And you can disappoint my kid once, but if you do it twice you're off the island as far as I'm concerned.

Of course, I can't help but wonder if all of this is my karmic retribution for not extending an invitation to another school friend, Z.  Frankly, I can't stand the child's mother and the child is one of those whiny kids that is not very pleasant to be around, and Liam never even mentioned wanting to invite him.  So when his mother called the night before the party to invite Liam to go to the aquarium and mentioned that N was going with them, I figured N had said something about the party to her son and that she was fishing for an invitation, which was not forthcoming.  And I mindfucked it to death all night, then learned from N's mother the next day that she HAD known and was "very puzzled" that Z hadn't been invited.

If Liam had specifically mentioned Z, I would have sucked it up and dealt with it, but he didn't and it certainly never occurred to me to suggest it.  His mother is just not someone with whom I want to spend time if I can avoid it (and I could).  And honestly, by six or seven years old, don't most kids know that they won't be invited to every party?  Was I totally rude for not extending an invitation when she called, or was she the rude one?  Ack, playground politics make my head hurt. 

Tomorrow is the big family shindig at S's parents' house, and then on Monday Liam and I are going to lunch, and I think my mother and stepfather are coming, too.  God help me, right now the main contender for the restaurant seems to be Mickey D's.  At least a Happy Meal is cheap.

On a little more serious note, today would have been my Daddy's 71st birthday.  I miss him a lot, but I feel his loss most keenly on his birthday, so close to Liam's.  My sister sent me a very sweet email that made me cry and I was reminded once again of the blessing of sisters and how fortunate I am to have mine. 

Happy Birthday, Daddy.  I hope wherever you are has a wide beach and good scotch.