Nearest Distant Shore

Merry Christmas!

Thirteen Reasons I'm Awake at Two AM

1. Last night I fell asleep on the couch shortly after putting Liam to bed at 7:30.  I slept hard until about 11:30.  When I woke up I made the mistake of doing stuff like taking out my contacts and brushing my teeth, instead of just falling straight into the bed.
2. This stupid new insulin regimen is not working.  Daytime numbers are acceptable but the nights, they suck.  When I checked Liam at 11:30 he was at 379; by 1:30 he was 426.  I don't like giving him short-acting insulin when he's sleeping but I couldn't let that trend continue.  His fasting numbers for the last five weeks have been ridiculous and it is really taking a toll on him.  Goddamned diabetes.
3. On Sunday my car started acting crazy and I barely made it home before it stopped running completely.  On Monday S and his friend got it running again but only well enough to get it to my mechanic.  Fortunately it wasn't terribly expensive, but who needs that kind of unbudgeted expense in December?
4. We have gone from having a house that was not as clean as I like, to living in pure squalor.  I cannot remember my house ever being this filthy, and hand to God, I just have not had the energy to deal with it.  My plan to hire a cleaning service just this once evaporated when my car limped into my driveway Sunday evening; I just can't justify the expense on top of everything else.
5. S has not paid any child support in over a month.  The reason?  He still doesn't have a job and his unemployment ran out.  Today I put gas in his car and gave him a little money for food.  I have been feeding him on a regular basis; how can I not feed the father of my child?  But I cannot afford to support him and I'm mad as hell at him for putting us all in this position.
6. I'm paying all the bills for my own household (including our joint credit-card debt) plus having to take care of 99% of  Liam's Christmas, I have to have a CT scan that I have no earthly idea how I'll pay for and no matter how hard I work, there is only a finite amount of money that I can earn in a month's time.
7. The health problem that I've been dealing with is kicking my ass.  I have been in screaming pain since Saturday; it's finally tapering off but not gone yet.  I have not been able to take any NSAIDs due to a testing regimen and Tylenol ain't cutting it.  I don't deal well with pain and I am so mean and cranky that I can barely stand myself.
8. Besides the pain due to whatever the hell is wrong with me, I've learned that I'm severely anemic.  As in, according to the PA, "I don't even know how you're walking around."  There's a chance it's from an iron deficiency, but she seems to think it's more likely due to some sort of internal bleed (hence the CT scan).  Tomorrow I'm seeing her and having more labs done.  I'm absolutely terrified.
9. While I've told Liam that I'm sick, I really feel like I have to hide the extent of the pain and the fear from him.  His world has been rocked enough these last months; he doesn't need to worry about me.  But the general stress level around here is high, and it's showing in his behavior, too. 
10. On top of being a mean, cranky bitch, I am a really lousy mother right now.  My patience, never my strongest attribute, is at an all-time low just at the time he is requiring more of it, and lately most of our time together seems to be spent in conflict.  I look at him sometimes and my heart just breaks with all the things I'm not doing right.
11. I'm starting to get a real case of the Why Me Blues.  I feel like I work so hard but no matter what, I just can't seem to catch a break.  I'm so tired of everything being so damned hard all the time.
12. The Why Me Blues piss me off.  I don't want to be that person.  I know I'm luckier than so many people in this world; I know what an ungrateful wretch I sound like.  I hate that stress and pain and fear and worry are turning me into this mean-spirited, ugly woman and I hate even more that I don't seem to have the resources to stop it.
13. This place seems to have become the Complaint Department.  It certainly was not my plan for it, it's not what I want it to be, yet it seems to be all I can manage.  I'm giving a lot of thought as to whether I want to continue down that particular road or close up shop.

I'll Be Home for Christmas

Walking home from the bus stop this morning I'm walking straight into the arms of very cold north wind.  My hair, still wet from the shower, feels like icicles on my head and although it's only half a block to the house, I even consider running (fortunately that notion passes quickly).  The yards on our street are frosted; it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas.

I've decided to take a page from Jennifer's (open) book and rethink the way we do the holidays.   Things are already crazy enough around here, and I just refuse to ruin the joy of the season by turning it into some sort of frenzied shopathon/bake-off/Martha Stewart wannabe contest.  So we're keeping it very low-key.  We'll go to Enchanted Airlie to marvel at the lights.  We'll enjoy the 4th and 5th graders from Liam's school as they put on their winter holiday show at next week's PTA meeting.  And on Christmas Eve we'll visit our old parish to see The Best Christmas Pageant Ever, and maybe even sing a carol or two.

Most of all, we'll slow down and enjoy our time.  Our tree won't go up until the weekend of the 16th, which seems late by the current standards, but it was always about the time we put up our tree when I was a girl.  I'm taking my time doing other decorating, and it's a treat for Liam to come home and find a favorite Santa figurine or silver sleigh in a place of honor.

I'm keeping the best parts of Christmas--our favorite music (right now I'm listening to the Chieftans' wonderful Bells of Dublin), making cookies, watching A Charlie Brown Christmas for the millionth time, finding just the right stocking stuffers for Liam (my favorite shopping of all), enjoying the scent of the tree and the glow of its lights late in the evening, and the beautiful smile on the face of my child in his new Christmas pajamas when he sees what Santa brought.

Ho ho ho, y'all!