Should I Stay or Should I Go

Somehow we are halfway through another week.  I don't know where the time is going but it seems to be moving at the speed of light, and I'm barely keeping up.

After the Wilma rains, a cold front moved in, bringing an end to Indian summer weather.  We've had to turn on the furnace and it has even been too cool during the day to open the house up as I love to do.  The days are definitely getting shorter and the time will change this weekend.   This afternoon instead of Liam riding the bus, I will pick him up from school so that we can go visit the pumpkin patch and bring home a pumpkin to carve.  He will get an early taste of Halloween on Friday when he goes to his friend's birthday/Halloween party in his stealth ninja costume.

I'm drifting through the days in a fog right now.  I've been offered a job in another city and it's on my mind constantly.  Actually, it's been a standing offer, but made more serious in that we've been talking money and logistics.  It's a terrific opportunity, the money is quite a lot more than I currently make, but it's really a huge huge thing to wrap my head around.  Liam is change-averse in the best situations and this would be multiple changes all at once for him. 

And then there is my other love, from where I draw my strength.  I don't know if I can really leave this place that has been home for 26 years and go to a place that has no ocean.  Even though the new place is not unfamiliar and I like it quite a lot, this place is home.

And then of course there is the matter of S.  I don't write about my relationship with him, mostly out of respect for his privacy but also because I find it difficult to talk about; there is so much backstory that it would be almost impossible.  Suffice it to say that ours is not the garden-variety marriage with children.  For one thing, we aren't married; never have been.  Primarily we are Liam's parents, and everything else falls somewhere behind that, for good or ill. 

I was offered this new opportunity in the course of a discussion about the state of our union, so to speak, and I believe that the original intent was to give me another alternative to the current situation.  And it may come to that, but I felt like I had to give S an opportunity to say yes or no to making the move before I went any further.  He is thinking about it and I have no idea where he will land on this. 

The financial advantages of the new job are life-changing; much too good just to dismiss out of hand.  But given the state of our personal relationship, there is a good chance that S is not going to want to leave his home and job and friends (not to mention his elderly parents) so that I can chase it.  And if he says no, then I have to decide if the job is worth separating Liam from his father, and that is not a decision to be made lightly or quickly.  S is clear, as am I, that we can't continue to float lazily down that Egyptian river, so regardless of what I do job-wise, change is in the air, a faint wisp of smoke, but definitely there.

Fortunately I've got some time to decide.  A late November visit to look around some more will give me an idea of more of the day-to-day things, and just sitting quietly in the woods where my friend lives will help me to think more clearly.  Even though my mind has been moving like a hamster in a wheel ever since the offer was made, that's too frantic; major life decisions should not be made in that state.

So that's what happening here; what's happening with you?

Comments

[Jennifer]

Am sending valiant, earnest vibes of golden goodness your direction, whatever the choice becomes.

Am also sending excited, jubilant, giddy goodness your direction for something altogether different. :-)

[Lora]

Lots to wrap your head around. Change isn't always liked, but it can still be very good. Even if you decide not to take this opportunity it may have you clarify other issues in your life. Could there be a chance of similar opportunities without uprooting your life?

[Laurie]

Wow-ee. My heart is with you. The hardest choices are the ones that count the most. That's not fair, is it?

[colleen]

Good luck with this life changing decision.