Melancholy Baby

It's still hot and humid here on the Carolina coast (and will be for awhile), but if you watch carefully you will notice a shift in the way the light slants at the end of the day, and it's not unusual for a cool breeze to waft by when you least expect it.  Back-to-school sales are in full swing and high school football teams are doing two-a-days; the slow wind-down of summer has started.

Back before Liam, this was always the time of year when I would get the baby blues.  I would wake up one day in early August and find myself in tears and spend most of the next couple of weeks absolutely bereft, longing for a child that I had, in my heart of hearts, given up on ever having.  But even after the totally unexpected but very welcome blessing of becoming Liam's mother, I still find myself melancholy in August, longing for something just out of reach, unable to put a name to it but feeling its absence keenly. 

This year there seems to be an extra element of something, a vague dissatisfaction that lurks around every corner of my life, making me question choices long since made and trying to see the path before me that once seemed crystal clear.  Often I find myself on the verge of tears for no explainable reason, other than I just feel such a sadness that crying seems to be the only sensible reaction.  I truly believe the quote at the top of this page, The cure for anything is salt water: sweat, tears or the sea.  I hold that like a talisman, knowing there is real truth in those words, but honestly, the salt water of tears is not what I need right now.  They seem to act as some sort of cosmic Krazy Glue, keeping me firmly in the place I least need to be.

Last week I wrote about some of the things that are going on, and of my first reaction, which is always to head to the sea.  But almost as soon as I saved the post, a thunderstorm erupted and I didn't get my walk on the beach, and I haven't managed to make time for it since.  I feel pulled in about a thousand different directions, like some sort of mutant starfish with arms pointing every which way.   

Comments

[Jody]

I've always enjoyed August and that start-of-school time, but it's a bittersweet, melancholy enjoyment. I feel the turning of the year much more now than in January, and I find myself haunted by childhood memories much more now than before I had children. There seems to be something about their growing up that takes me back to my own childhood, and in that journey backwards, I see how fast our forward days will be.

We're going to be in your neck of the woods on Wednesday, but only for the day, while my brother and sister-in-law visit. Calder has a conference in that big city down there on Thursday/Friday so we'll all drive down together, and then I'll come back home with the kids. I'll be thinking of you while we walk the sand.

[emily]

This is exactly how I've been feeling lately.I can't really put my finger on what is causing this disatisfaction,so I can't fix it.Its maddening.I question every decision I make a thousands times and then later think maybe I still managed to make the wrong one.It's crazy.I hope you find peace soon.

[Amy]

Dog days of the soul. Something will come along. Stay open to it. The sea, the sea, I love it too!

[Jennifer]

My own dog days always hit in winter. I wonder if that's the real difference between this mountain girl and your sea loving self? One of few, I'd suggest.

Make the time. Take the time. Do something for you and utterly for you. Something that you treasure, that restores you. A day at the beach isn't a selfish thing, you know. It's good for everyone around us, too.

[Laurie]

I always have a hard time in August. I don't know if it is the start of school, or the heat, or allergies...I can't quite put my finger on it either but August is a tough time, and I commiserate with you. Please take care. It's only a month long.

[E]

I go through this too, but mine is in April/May every year like clockwork. Sometimes I think it's just part of the cycle...kind of a cleansing to give me strength for another year. Sometimes, it's motivating to make much needed change in my life. I always wallow for a while, though...then I snap myself out of it...Hang in there and find time for that walk on the beach!

[Michele]

Stopping by to say hello....

This post gave me goosebumps, it is tragicaly beautiful - much like the very best poetry is.

You capture a mood, spirit, sadness, and joy all within a few short sentences. Some people believe that beauty can be discovered in melancholy. It must be true because it can be found in this post.

Thank you Terrilynn, for sharing this.

[Lisa V]

February is always a bad month for me, I think it's because of the New Year. Maybe this is similar for you, because of the school year, the fall often feels like a new year. Hope you are feeling better soon. This was beautifully written.

[MissMeliss]

Thank you for the birthday wishes, and happy birthday to your husband. :)

The fairy gift I have for you is just this: may your relationship with the sea go on forever, and give you much joy, for you are effervescent when you share it.

[rosemoon]

My friends and I have been talking a lot lately about the feeling of longing. Some are completely derailed by it; others are able to give it a small place in their happy and beautiful lives. I have decided it is a strange sort of blessing, this darker note of longing---almost sorrow---that gives depth to the brighter top notes of my life.

Did you ever read the story "Sealskin, Soulskin" in Clarissa Estes' book? Maybe you're just missing your skin and, of course, the sea.