It's way later than I need to be up but I'm not sleepy. I can see the half-moon out my office window, shining through the bare tree branches. Today has been a roller-coaster day and I find myself on the edge of tears here at the end of it, an inevitable reaction, I suppose, to the high-flying glee I felt earlier. But it surprises me, nonetheless.
I'm having a lot of trouble adjusting to life after surgery. As pissed as I am about the cancer, I'm finding it much easier to deal with than the goddamn ostomy, and some days--today, for instance--it seems like way too much of my attention is focused on that hated thing.
I don't look sick, mostly I don't feel sick, and I can tralala along and forget that I do have this disease for awhile--until I have to deal with the ostomy, the outwardly visible sign of illness. Yes, I know I should be grateful, that without it I'd be dead, bla bla y bla. I am grateful to be alive. I am not particularly grateful that part of the cost of being alive is having to wear an appliance (yes, that's what they call them) for the rest of my (hopefully very long) life. I mean, honestly, isn't stage IV cancer cost enough?
It seems like a pretty big reality check to have to carry around. I agree, it sucks.
Posted by: Lisa V | Saturday, 27 January 2007 at 12:35 PM
My husband had diverticulitis and lost eighteen inches of his colon. He has an ostomy and really hates it but is sure beats being dead. I am so used to it I don't even think about it and he leads a pretty normal life with it- goes to the gym, cuts trees down, and anything else he wants to do. He is such a wonderful person all of that flies out of the door. We can give you funny ostomy stories- like one day when our dog jumped on his and it was full and it burst! All over the car! We spent almost $100 just getting the smell out of the car! We are pulling for you and I know you will make it.
Posted by: Linda King | Sunday, 28 January 2007 at 01:20 AM
It does suck and I wish you didn't have to deal with it. However, I am glad you are still with us and grateful that you are sharing this journey. Peace.
Posted by: javajeanelaine | Saturday, 03 February 2007 at 09:58 AM